"Sparkly"

Song Title: "Sparkly Queen Areola"

Artist: Bitch and Animal

Search Term: "Sparkly"

Egads, this song would be no more off-putting if it sent a stream of maggots and melted Fudgesicles coursing through your headphones. I'm guessing it's meant as a fierce anthem to encourage urban women to push back against the forces that would marginalize them or try to make them feel inferior, so good intentions and all, but the execution is so completely insipid and clangorous that it sounds almost like a witless Phyllis Schlafly parody of how she imagines we liberal feminists greet one another. Between incessant chants of the I-feel-stupid-just-typing-this slogan "All hail ye, Sparkly Queen," either Bitch or Animal recites atrocious "female empowerment" blessings like, "May your crotch never itch/May you always be a bitch," while the other one mostly blares sarcastically and obnoxiously. A violin browses to kill time and the actual musical architecture of the song is provided by bongos and an infuriating succession of cheap orchestral hits. (It was coproduced by Ani DiFranco, whom I respect but who is also no stranger to gnawing on my last nerve.) It's uniquely abominable; I'll say that much. But don't let that pique your curiosity.